NSFW: Remnas Blurbs Rewritten as Alpha/Billionaire/Bad Boy Romances

This post is not safe for work.

They say you can’t judge a book by its cover, but getting you to crack open the cover and take a look inside is an art unto itself. Everything – from the cover design to the blurb – is carefully designed to catch and grab the interest. The sad truth is that a mediocre book in brilliant packaging will outperform a brilliant book in mediocre packing nine point five times out of ten.

One my hobbies, one of the things I like to do when I’m bored but can’t sleep, is read the synopses or blurbs of a certain type of romance novel. I’m talking about the ones that are as numerous as mushrooms after a spring rain. Image after image of a shirtless guy’s muscled torso. They usually have a one word title and are followed by some qualifier like ‘An Alpha Bad Boy Romance’ or ‘A Kinky Billionaire Romance’. Hell, I wouldn’t shocked to find one that smashed all the common hashtaggy words together to create ‘An Alpha Billionaire Bad Boy Romance.’

Why do I fixate on this particular genre? Because the blurbs are all written in a certain style and they are a hoot to read. Given that its possible to find these books high in the sells ranking for both their sub-categories and often in the Amazon chart for over-all top performance across the entire store, I think it must be the blurbs that is the key to their success. The scads of positive customer reviews they can rack up lead me to the believe that there is a legitimate audience for these books and their success is not an illusion created by a click-farm.

They come in a couple of different flavors, usually written from the point of view on one of the main characters. My favorite type are the ones written from a male character’s perspective in which he works in about ten references to how impressive his dongly part is, boasts about how successful he is, and unironically refers to himself as an ‘alpha male’ at least once. Bonus points if they include a disclaimer at the bottom.

Since I have become connoisseur of this type of blurb, I decided to try to rewrite a couple of blurbs for the Tales of Remnas books in this style and see what happens. Without further ado, I give you the results of my experiment:

Flower Among the Ashes (Loved by the Manly Alpha Ogre Book 1)

From the day I was born it was drilled into my head that good girls don’t want ogres. Their rippling muscles don’t turn our heads and their legendary sexual prowess doesn’t make us weak in the knees.

But I lust and yearn, so I’m not a good girl.

When I met the quintessential ogre – manly and dominating, an alpha’s alpha – I knew my good name was toast at that first roguish smile. When Ravik wanted to show me if ogres are big all over, I was done for. His abs and biceps weren’t the only things that were thick and rigid. He had me up against the wall, screaming in bliss, in record time.

I paid the price, but I thought it was a fair trade – giving up everything for the man I believed I loved. But then Ravik told me something that no woman wants to hear. ‘Another woman is having my baby!’

After that I thought I was done with men in general and ogres specifically. No sooner than I make up my mind than a new man appears in my life. Rekki says he’s not like Ravik – he’ll be true to me, his destined mate. But I need more than words, a body that makes a woman sweat and a big, turgid club. I need actions to back it up too.

Flower Among the Ashes is a part of series but stands on its own. This novel consists of 120K words, none of them written by a ghost writer from India. This book is 100% made in America! A guaranteed happily ever after (HEA) follows many trials and tribulations because some people need a disclaimer that a romance novel is really a romance novel.

 

 

When the Crow Smiles (Enemies to Lovers Romance)

It’s good to be the only son and heir to one of the most powerful noble families in the realm. One day they shall call me Lord Talrun but the fact I have yet to inherit the title hasn’t stopped everyone from wanting a piece of me.

I’m best buds with the king of elves. Women flock to my bed. They might be drawn in by the promise of my fabulous wealth and power but they leave satisfied. Life is good.

Or was until Caska the Ghastly Smile, a royal assassin turned traitor, plunged the land into chaos. She’s my mortal enemy who wants me dead as badly as I want to send her to gallows. I shouldn’t want a woman like her but just can’t help myself. Every time I think of her, I imagine her shoving my face between those strong thighs and spanking my arse with a birch rod-

Oh god! Did I just say that out loud?

I’m not the repressed pervert!

You’re the repressed pervert!

You disgust me! *Door slamming*

 

 

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