NSFW: More Book Blurbs Re-Imagined in the Alpha/ Billionaire/ Bad Boy Romance Style

This post is not safe for work.

My first NSWF post is the most popular thing I’ve ever written. As it turns out, I’m not the only fan of alpha/billionaire/ bad boy blurbs out there. Many people appreciate the ability to work in at least eight veiled references to “bits and pieces” in a two to three paragraph marketing write-up. Some members of my writer’s group wanted to offer me a chance to re-write their blurbs in that style.

Challenge accepted, ladies. These blurbs are re-printed here with the permission of the authors of the original work. They are totally unrepresentative of the books’ actual contents.

 

The Goblin’s Bride (A Billionaire Abduction Fantasy) by Emma Hamm

My skin is as green as the hundred dollar bills I use to light my cigarillos. Even by goblin standards my wallet’s fat. I’m a billionaire to their millionaires. The secret to my fantastic wealth? I own a mine full of diamonds that sparkle like my pointed teeth and emeralds as green as my rivals’ envious faces as I leave them in the dust. The only threat to my fortune is the humans who sometimes wander below ground.

When my chief of security catches a human girl taking a pickaxe to the gems in my tunnel, I’d normally feed her to the sand spiders as a warning to all others who might steal from me. But Jane’s milky white skin and luscious curves intrigue me. She wants dig for gold? Well, she’s welcome to the two jewels in my pants. After a few passionate weeks of jack hammering her like I’m drilling for the motherlode, I’m confident that I’ve found the woman worthy of being a billionaire goblin’s bride. I think I’ve got her good and addicted to my dousing rod too. The only problem? The only thing Jane loves more than the glitter of my gold is the golden rays of the sun. Now that she knows about our underground goblin kingdom, she can never return to the surface again. If she tries to return home, not even I could muster up a bribe big enough to save her skin.

 

Make Me Burn (Island of the Playboy Demons Book 1) by Tiffany Roberts

You don’t get to the top of the demon hierarchy without being ruthless, driven and relentless. But even a billionaire demon like me needs a little break from committing wicked deeds. Seeking to get away from it all, some R&R on the Island of the Forgotten sounds like a dream from true. It’s an exclusive anything-goes resort on a seclude island where the wealthy live out their most perverted fantasies. Whatever debauchery happens on the island stays on the island.

Of course, I’ve done it all, at least three times, and I arrive with low expectations that the resort staff can offer me anything new. After indulging in a ho-hum orgy, I go down to the beach and lay eyes on the most succulent woman I’ve ever seen. Aria fires my blood hotter than the demonic flames I summon from my hands and makes me harder than metamorphic rock. But what is a virgin doing on a sex island?

Normally, an inexperienced girl would turn me off but the thought of taking her from hymenally-intact to hymenally-challenged makes me want to blow like a volcano. As a playboy demon, I belong to all the lusty, wicked ladies of the world, but after tasting Aria’s innocent passion, a week-long affair risks turning into a life-long obsession. She makes me burn so I have no choice but to make her mine.

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