It’s Wednesday. I’m neck deep in the last pass through of Flower on the River. I suspect I’d be much further along on it if I hadn’t been distracted by the frankly weird saga of a book that no one had ever heard of written by a Z-list show biz person and published by a half-dead website’s brand new publishing arm claiming the top spot on the NYT Young Adult Fiction Bestseller List last week. There are so many wrinkles to this ham-fisted attempt to create an illusion of popularity for this vanity project that you could almost believe that this is performance art.
Inspiration struck me and I knew that there was a parody blurb to be had here. Without further ado, a fake blurb for a fake bestseller.
Handbook for Mortals (Sleeping Your Way to the Top Series Book 1)
My name is Scheherazade (Zade for short) Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way and I’m a small town girl with big dreams. I’m not like other girls. They like puppies and rainbows but I like roadkill and earthquakes. After growing up being the persecuted for being the ‘weird’ daughter of the town’s tarot reader, all I’ve ever wanted was to lead a normal life where I can keep my head down and not stand out. That’s why I’ve dyed my hair neon blue, do all my shopping at Hot Topic, and audition for the top spot in a premier Las Vegas magic show instead of getting a 9 to 5.
Except the audition doesn’t go as planned. Truthfully, it bombs badly. I come from a long line of Chaos Magicians and our powers are a bit erratic, unpredictable and chaotic. With a little begging and some… stuff that I’m not proud of, famous ringmaster Charlie Spellman lets me into the show as an assistant in a minor act. Not the most glamourous position but, hey, it’s a start.
I soon attract the attention of my partner, the gothy knife thrower Jack, and the preppy stage manager Mack. But I don’t have time for boys. (Notice me, Sempai!) Even if I was, I still can’t believe that two men seem to be interested in an ugly duckling like me, even if people say I look like a model. Oh, have I told you about my clit piercing and lower back tattoo? But seriously, I’m not looking for a relationship and boys don’t go for my type anyway.
Jack wants to do things the right way, learn the craft from the bottom floor and advance to being a top act by talent alone. He wants take me along for the ride as his assistant and girlfriend. But that’s much too slow for a normal yet unique and special girl like me even if I don’t have the talent to control my chaotic Chaos magic all the time.
But Mack sees my potential and believes a little thing like ‘mastery of the craft’ is for normal people. Which I totally am not. He says that all I need is the spotlight on me while my name flashes in lights to make it all work out and he has just the thing to help give me the edge. A short cut to fame and stardom. I just need to give him sweet tit for some of the tat the doors only his connections to D-List celebrities can open.
Experience the phenomenon that rocketed to the top of the NYT Bestsellers List for all of 12 hours. Soon to be a major motion picture featuring all your favorites from the cast of American Pie.
Five Stars! Great read! I was not paid to say this. – Russian Twitter Bot
An exquisite debut novel that’s so daring it completely ignores all the conventions of the genre it was marketed in well as the so-called ‘fundamentals’ of good writing. Hidden beneath the slap dash narrative and fan fiction grade inane ramblings lies an intelligent metaphor for how people who achieve success through unconventional means are vilified by the establishment. – Amazon Review
So what if few books were actually printed and purchased and the numbers reported to the failing New York Times were as mythical as a unicorn. This is Donald Trump’s America now and the book scammed the system fair and square! ‘Ethics’ are a conspiracy dreamed up by Communists and Women’s Studies Professors and ‘editorial standards’ are political correctness run amuck. – Goodread Troll (*This is based off a real Goodreads review and I can’t tell if its satire or not.)