Handbook for Mortals Parody Blurb

It’s Wednesday. I’m neck deep in the last pass through of Flower on the River. I suspect I’d be much further along on it if I hadn’t been distracted by the frankly weird saga of a book that no one had ever heard of written by a Z-list show biz person and published by a half-dead website’s brand new publishing arm claiming the top spot on the NYT Young Adult Fiction Bestseller List last week. There are so many wrinkles to this ham-fisted attempt to create an illusion of popularity for this vanity project that you could almost believe that this is performance art.

Inspiration struck me and I knew that there was a parody blurb to be had here. Without further ado, a fake blurb for a fake bestseller.

Handbook for Mortals (Sleeping Your Way to the Top Series Book 1)

My name is Scheherazade (Zade for short) Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way and I’m a small town girl with big dreams. I’m not like other girls. They like puppies and rainbows but I like roadkill and earthquakes. After growing up being the persecuted for being the ‘weird’ daughter of the town’s tarot reader, all I’ve ever wanted was to lead a normal life where I can keep my head down and not stand out. That’s why I’ve dyed my hair neon blue, do all my shopping at Hot Topic, and audition for the top spot in a premier Las Vegas magic show instead of getting a 9 to 5.

Except the audition doesn’t go as planned. Truthfully, it bombs badly. I come from a long line of Chaos Magicians and our powers are a bit erratic, unpredictable and chaotic. With a little begging and some… stuff that I’m not proud of, famous ringmaster Charlie Spellman lets me into the show as an assistant in a minor act. Not the most glamourous position but, hey, it’s a start.

I soon attract the attention of my partner, the gothy knife thrower Jack, and the preppy stage manager Mack. But I don’t have time for boys. (Notice me, Sempai!) Even if I was, I still can’t believe that two men seem to be interested in an ugly duckling like me, even if people say I look like a model. Oh, have I told you about my clit piercing and lower back tattoo? But seriously, I’m not looking for a relationship and boys don’t go for my type anyway.

Jack wants to do things the right way, learn the craft from the bottom floor and advance to being a top act by talent alone. He wants take me along for the ride as his assistant and girlfriend. But that’s much too slow for a normal yet unique and special girl like me even if I don’t have the talent to control my chaotic Chaos magic all the time.

But Mack sees my potential and believes a little thing like ‘mastery of the craft’ is for normal people. Which I totally am not. He says that all I need is the spotlight on me while my name flashes in lights to make it all work out and he has just the thing to help give me the edge. A short cut to fame and stardom. I just need to give him sweet tit for some of the tat the doors only his connections to D-List celebrities can open.

Experience the phenomenon that rocketed to the top of the NYT Bestsellers List for all of 12 hours. Soon to be a major motion picture featuring all your favorites from the cast of American Pie.

Five Stars! Great read! I was not paid to say this. – Russian Twitter Bot

An exquisite debut novel that’s so daring it completely ignores all the conventions of the genre it was marketed in well as the so-called ‘fundamentals’ of good writing. Hidden beneath the slap dash narrative and fan fiction grade inane ramblings lies an intelligent metaphor for how people who achieve success through unconventional means are vilified by the establishment. – Amazon Review

So what if few books were actually printed and purchased and the numbers reported to the failing New York Times were as mythical as a unicorn. This is Donald Trump’s America now and the book scammed the system fair and square! ‘Ethics’ are a conspiracy dreamed up by Communists and Women’s Studies Professors and ‘editorial standards’ are political correctness run amuck. – Goodread Troll (*This is based off a real Goodreads review and I can’t tell if its satire or not.)

 

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Manga Read Along: Red River Vol. 11 – We Hardly Knew Ye

Need to see prior installments. You can visit the archive here.

The sisters and Kail’s underling, Rufasa, plead with Yuri to remain with the Hatti tribe inside the city until Kail clears her of the assassination charges but Yuri is having none of it. Urhi has threatened to burn the city down to get at her and Yuri thinks she can spare the Hatti by leaving. Unfortunately, Nakia’s private army has already surrounded the city and cut off any avenue for escape. Yuri orders Rufasa, one of the best archers in the land, to put an arrow into Urhi.

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TGIF NSFW: Dracula Rewritten as a Schlock Kindle Vampire Romance Blurb

This post is not safe for work. Please enjoy responsibly.

Dracula has been told and retold dozens of times in every type of media. In some versions, Dracula is less interested in terrorizing London than he is finding his soul mate. Usually Mina Murray ends up as the Count’s lady love. See the 1979 version starring Frank Langella (with floating psychedelic implied sex scene) and the 1992 Oliver Stone version in which Mina is Drac’s wife reincarnated for just a few examples. But why no love for Lucy, the Englishwoman who is the first to know the vampire’s bite and who appears orgiastic in her famous death scene?

If Dracula had been written as a schlock vampire romance it might go something like this: (And who knows. The vampire romance genre was booming a few years ago and there could very well be a version that’s close to this).

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Manga Read Along: Red River Vol. 10 – Objection!

It’s been about a year and half since Yuri arrived in Hattusa and met Prince Kail. They’ve been through kidnappings, assassination attempts, wars and peasant revolts, but all it took was one of Kail’s old girl friends to make Yuri question his love and his character. The good news is that Yuri now accepts Kail’s claim that the kid is not his. Public pressure continues to mount for Kail to acknowledge Princess Guzel’s son as his own. In a meeting with his staff, they ponder the reason behind Guzel’s lie. Kail is convinced that the queen is blackmailing her into lying, but he can’t figure out how this helps her goal to install her own son on the throne. He is the crown prince and him having an heir actually strengthens his position instead of weakening it.

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TGIF NSFW: Flowers in the Attic Re-Imagined as Schlock Kindle Romance Blurb

This post is not safe for work. Please enjoy responsibly.

In this week’s TGIF NSFW, I’m re-imagining Flowers in the Attic, V.C. Andrew’s debut novel and first in a series of five books detailing the psycho-drama of a very messed up family as a schlock Kindle romance. There’s child abuse, neglect, family secrets, parent-child relationship drama that would make Freud goggle. Oh, and incest. Lots and lots of incest.

I kind of thought long and hard about doing this book. When I started this feature, I decided very quickly that there is one work that I would never do. Nabokov’s Lolita, precisely because there are lit critics that sincerely view the relationship between Dolores Hayes and the pedophile who preys on her as romantic. Messed up but ultimately loving. (And don’t get me started on the ones who think Dolores was a 11 year old succubus tempting “poor” Humbert to sin.)

Perhaps then I shouldn’t make light of a sensitive topic such as incest by presenting it as romantic even in jest? But then I thought, well… that’s the joke. Nobody would actually be crazy or rotten enough to deliberately write an incest romance! They’d be run out of polite society if they did. The blurb is below the cut.

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Remnas Rogues Gallery #1: Desh Might River

Tick tock. Only two weeks to finish edits on Flower on the River. Preparing to launch a new release is always a hair on fire experience. No matter how early I start or how much time I give myself, I always go down to the wire. In honor of the new book, I want to talk a little bit about the villains of the Remnas series. A hero is only as good as his foe. There can’t be a dragon slayer with a dragon.

Let’s briefly look at one of the villains from Flower on the River. This upcoming novel continues Rekki and Arshé’s journey to conquer all the ogre territories and establish one united kingdom for his kind. After unifying the Wildlands, Rekki has moved onto the River Kingdoms and managed to establish a base in Doranell, the country that borders the Wildlands.

Doranell’s monarchy was a mess. After provoking a war with Rekki, the king abandoned the capital as soon as the Wildlands’ ogres starting making headway against his younger brother, General Desh Might River. King Alden gets thrown from his horse and breaks his neck and the leaderless government all but surrenders to Rekki. General Might River, who would have taken over as king if he weren’t fighting a desperate rear guard action against the invaders, has no choice but to take what’s left of his loyalists and flee the country.

The General is a severe man who venerates war and holds honor about all else. He is a harsh and pitiless soldier, but he holds himself to the same unforgiving standards as his men. When the government all but capitulates to Rekki, Might River is completely crushed. He gave his all for his king and his homeland and their surrender to a foreign invader is the ultimate betrayal of all the principles he hold dear. The Doranites for the most part are happy with Rekki. The Might River Dynasty has long been oppressive and neglectful and their new king and queen bring much needed reforms that benefit the common folk. But there are many among the nobles who want to bring back the old monarchy and would conspire with the exiled prince.

Prime Motivator for Villainy: Spite and revenge.

Desh is a man who clung hard to his values, fulfilling his duty to the realm even at great cost to himself. What happens to a man when his all his principles collapse and he can’t believe in the honor of others? He does not take it well. General Might River spends his time plotting and planning to retake Doranell in exile in sympathetic allied nations. He cannot forgive the country that turned its back on him, believing that the nation is soft and indulged. Little do the Doranite traitors who would invite him back know that the General returns not as a liberator but a destroyer. He aims not to rule but to punish everyone who bowed knee to Rekki from the lowliest peasant to the most powerful lord.

Manga Read Along: Red River Vol. 9 – She’s Just a Girl Who Said I am the One

Just joining in? No problem. You can catch up on this deep dive of all the Red River volumes by visiting the archive.

With Yuri’s face mashed against the floor by the fake Ishtar’s guardsmen, she threatens to punish Yuri again if she doesn’t give in and apologize. Yuri refuses and claims that she is the real Ishtar but no one believes her. Yuri is dressed like a kitchen wench and covered in spilled food and has to be gussied up to look her best. The faker, on the other hand, has a va-va-voom figure that won’t quit. Fake Ishtar has Yuri sent to the ‘Valley’ as punishment.

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TGIF NSFW: Tess of the U’bervilles Re-Imagined as Schlock Kindle Romance Blurb

This post is not safe for work. Please enjoy responsibly.

The response to my parody blurbs has been so overwhelmingly positive that they will be regular weekly feature. Today I’m rolling out “TGIF NSFW,” in which I will be reimagining one book per week in the style of a schlocky kindle romance blurb. The bad boy/ alpha/ billionaire romances typify this style of marketing pitch.

Hat tip to Vicki Stiefel to suggesting I expand to the classics and other well known books.

This week I’m doing Tess of the U’bervilles. The fun starts below the cut.

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Flower on the River Reminder (It’s coming Soon)

I am neck deep in the editing process for Flower on the River, polishing this stone until it sparkles. My team is on target for hit our 9/4/17 release date. I’ve always thought that the final phase of editing process is the true test of if you have a good book or not. If you can go through the same manuscript three or more times in a row and come back not hating it with every fiber of being, even if your eyeballs are bleeding from reading so closely, you know you have something good.

And I think Flower on the River is something good. To celebrate Flower on the River’s release, I will discount all the prior books in the Remnas series (Flower Among the Ashes, Flower in the Gale and When the Crow Smiles) at least 50% during the first week. More details to come but this will be some of the series’ best pricing ever.

Won’t you take one more look at that beautiful cover?

river with lily final ebook cover actual size 6-27-17