TGIF NSFW: Tess of the U’bervilles Re-Imagined as Schlock Kindle Romance Blurb

This post is not safe for work. Please enjoy responsibly.

The response to my parody blurbs has been so overwhelmingly positive that they will be regular weekly feature. Today I’m rolling out “TGIF NSFW,” in which I will be reimagining one book per week in the style of a schlocky kindle romance blurb. The bad boy/ alpha/ billionaire romances typify this style of marketing pitch.

Hat tip to Vicki Stiefel to suggesting I expand to the classics and other well known books.

This week I’m doing Tess of the U’bervilles. The fun starts below the cut.

Tess of the D’Ubervilles (An MFM Menage Romance)

Good girls don’t, but this girl does. I knew I was in trouble when I crossed paths with the town’s notorious bad boy Alec D’Uberville. I’d hear about his reputation, the things they say about him hushed twitters at the village’s innocent square dances – that he’s got something in his pants as long as the maypole that can get you just as close to heaven. I quickly learn firsthand that the things he does to the female body feel so divine that they must be pure sin. For one moist night, I believed we shared a love that was as hot as the fires of damnation. But once he has his taste, he was done. That goodbye was the most the most painful of my life. Not only had he sundered my heart and hymen, but my reputation as well.

Heartbroken and desperate to lick my wounds away from the nasty looks and cruel gossip, I changed my life completely. I went to a new town where no one knew me and got a new job at a dairy farm. In that most unlikely of places, I met Angel Clare and, as the heavenly name suggests, he was my salvation. We connected like two halves of the same whole. He touched my heart and mind like no man ever before. This love was different from the one that left me in disgrace – quieter, more enduring – but no less intense. A fire in the heart makes the fire down below and my sweet Angel proposes marriage so we can make holy our sinful desires.

With my wedding to Angel on the horizon, this should have been the fairy tale end to our love story until I unexpectedly happen across the man who broke my heart. Alec is a changed man – no less the wicked bad boy – but now he says he can’t live without me and he’s ready to commit. All the old desires and longing I thought I put away come roaring back. Now I am torn between two very different men – one who elevates my soul toward heaven and the other who makes my body burn with hellfire.

My upbringing tells me that I have to make a choice, but I’ve already broken one taboo. I’ve tasted the pleasures of the flesh as well as the pleasure of the mind and I know I will never complete without both the carnal and the spiritual. Now a dark part of my mind whispers to me “Why choose one when you can have both?” I need to be the filling in a man sandwich. Do I dare risk it? Even if I can convince two men that it will take the three of us to make one perfect love, the firestorm of scandal may destroy us all.

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